Thank God 2016 is over.
As you’ve probably noticed, I haven’t published a post in 8 months. I was supposed to publish a book, City of Deception, in July, but it never came out. I planned to go to university and study history, my second favorite subject only surpassed by writing. I planned to get my own apartment within the next eighteen months.
But life is a tricky thing, and the last year and a half have been some of the most difficult and stressful months for my family and me. If something could go wrong, it did or tried to.
I learned how crippling anxiety can be, and spent most of the summer holed up at home recovering from a year that kept getting worse. It taught me I’m not as strong and invincible as I think.
So, here’s what happened:
I’m nineteen and finished my freshman year at University. Last fall, about the time I started this blog, I packed up my belongings and moved ten minutes from home into the dorm with one of my best friends as my roommate. For the first few months, I adjusted to college life, learning that eating pancakes at midnight is normal and studying your butt off ten minutes before your final exam is protocol. Despite a few mishaps and arguments on my hall, I succeded at being on the Deans list.
But then about January, something happened.
I started getting more than a few butterflies in my stomach when I had to go to social functions (I’m an introvert at heart, but this was extreme). I struggled to maintain eye contact with people during conversations and trivial things like phone calls to meeting people in the cafeteria for dinner sent me off to my room trembling.
By March, I pretty much spent most of my time in my room with Netflix, chocolate, and impending due dates. I couldn’t write, something that calmed me down, because my characters reflected my anxiety making me more worried. It sucked.
Then in April, the panic attacks came. I’d go to class, do my assignments (because I’m a perfectionist and hate when things try to stop me or slow me down) and spend a lot of time sitting on my bed reading crappy vampire novels just to escape the moment. Just having to pass people in the hall would all but send me into panic mode. The anxiety never stopped.
I chose to take a gap year after meeting with a professor one day and all but crying in his office because I physically couldn’t make myself do a presentation for their class. I would have vomited had I tried to do the presentation.
The point of this post is if you feel I’ve been ignoring you all, I haven’t. I’ve been struggling, but now am back. Thank you to everyone supporting me (which, frankly, is few people because most don’t know.) To those suffering from anxiety: I know what it feels like, and I swear you’ll get through it. There will be a lot of tears and arguments and ice cream runs, but you will persevere. I had to choose to change my life by taking a year off against the wishes and advice of almost everyone who knows me. Do whatever YOU need to deal with anxiety. Don’t make the mistake of letting others dictate life for you. Only you really know what you need.
The best way to explain what this is like is how one feels after a long sickness. Your muscles are sore and you can’t just jump back into your usual routine. You have to slowly go back to your normal schedules and activities slowly, and that’s what I’m attempting to do. (I realize that is a lacking example.)
I have people doubting me, especially for taking some time from college. I might not ever go back. I don’t know. Every time I get on Facebook and see how much all my friends have done in one year while I’ve been struggling just to live normally frustrates and depresses me. Sometimes I cry for no reason.
The last months have taught me the true meaning of one of my favorite Robert Burns quotes:
“The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry.”
I thought I could plan everything and be strong, but it turns out I can’t get everything right all the time and I am far, far from perfect. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I don’t know what God has in store or why I have to go through this.
Don’t ask me what I’m going to do because I don’t know. Every bone in my body screams in terror over the decisions I’m making. Most days I feel immobile, but I’m doing my best.
All I know is I’m going to get back on my feet and live my life. I still have anxiety, but I’m learning how to deal with it. I hope others with anxiety also learn to embrace it and live a meaningful life.